Relationships

Its funny when you reach your first few teenage years and you feel like an adult. Thinking you know exactly what it is that you want and that you’re ready for a challenge. This guy, I remember him only whenever I’m reminded of him. ahah It was one of the most awkward confusing relationships ever. I was in the middle of my teen years and I remember meeting him that summer.

Gangster. Was what he thought of himself. Cute innocent boy, I thought. It was weird though. We “hooked” up through a known friend of mines and we started from there. It was within one week I had gotten in trouble with my parents about dating. My mom threw a fit and I didn’t want to deal with my mom yelling at me so I decided to just break it off with him. Plus I didn’t have much feelings for him. I think it was the whole idea of having a boy friend would be fun haah. So I broke up with him.

He cried. He said he loved me. I was young, but not SO stupid…I didn’t respond back. Only rolling my eyes and thinking, “This boy is on CRACk” but I felt bad too. Then he said the weirdest thing to me. He told me, “I know we’ll never be together in the end. I just want to be with you in the time being, and when it’s time for us to depart I hope we understand each other and be able to let go.” Wow ahah It was one of the most “KOREAN” drama things I’ve ever heard. I remember telling him, “In that case, it’s good if we’re not together…” I don’t know it was such an awkward conversation to have at that age. Anyways for some reason we came to a conclusion and continued to date. There was definitely no chemistry between us. none. We talked on the phone and hung out once in a while. I guess the chemistry was that we were both serving community service for being bad kids in high school. ahah Horrible…but true.

It was such a weird relationship though. It was J4 at Como that summer and I had met his “friends” or so I thought they were. He left me there for a few minutes to go talk to his uncle. Suddenly his friends just starting hittin’ on me. Like telling me how good looking I was. Man it was so awkward, so I left after the boyfriend. I felt bad though, they weren’t his real friends. Just a bunch of punkwannabe gangsters. Then that day got even more awkward… I had ran into a friend from school who was a boy, ahah so I hugged him and said hello. Then to my luck, I heard the boyfriend’s friends sayin, “Ohh shit dude, that guy just touched your girl. Beat him up!” Man I turned to my buddy and said, “GO, go!!” lol So weird. No one got beaten up, but still it was awkward. They were some ghetto ass boys. So young and too immature.

As time went by I believe it was probably just weeks, him and I were on and off. It would be through days though. It was a puppy love. But I can’t really even recall my feelings for him. Anyways I remembered the first time he tried to “make out” with me. I was such an innocent girl. But that was the worst thing I’ve ever tried. I had never “made out” with anyone before. Gross. But he tried and I tried. It felt disgusting. It was like a nasty slobbering worm in my mouth. So I pushed him away. ahaha Gosh, Don’t ever want to experience that again. It gave me the fear to “make out” ahah When I think back, makes me want to puke a little. BLAH! ahah

A few weeks after that, I remember it clearly. Our time was coming to an end. He Msn Messaged me..lol those are sooo old, anyways he messaged me saying that he doesn’t know where we are going anymore. “You’re taking me for granted” is what he said. It was the weirdest thing anyone has ever accused me of! lol I wasn’t taking him for granted, that’s just cold hearted. I guess we were too young to understand how to hold up a relationship. So he broke it off with me. And it was final. To be honest, I wasn’t upset or mad or any heartbroken feeling. I got over it within a few days and out of all the relationships I’ve ever been in, I always forget this one. Ahaah Amazing though, we were too young. <3

Btw, these stories are in random order :D Enjoy!

I can almost remember it. We were kids. I was a big time crusher when I was young. I guess I have been curious in the word love since I was very young. Crushes began in preschool and watching those soap operas with my mom was just another influence to find love, to have kind of desire at such a young age was strange. Yet I still search for it everyday.

I can remember him. Cute young man. He was just one year older than me. I was probably around the age 9 or 10 when I began to like him, like dream about him and wish we were “dating”. ahah Puppy love it was. We use to play with each other too. Just talk a lot and flirt a lot! Man could I flirt for a child. ahah

Anyways as the years went by I would always see him from time to time and would always have that feeling pound into my chest. Even without him I always thought about him. I always thought he would be the one. Being young and believing you’re in love was very hard to describe. I just thought everything I saw in him was all that I wanted. So as years passed, we still would talk. Even as I grew older and had other boyfriends, he was still there. We’d chat online all the time or else we’d talk whenever we ran into each other. The older we got, the more handsome he became. Even though I had had many relationships, I still secretly crushed on him. Once I found myself alone. I had left my boyfriend and all the other jokes around me. And he was there to talk too. I thought this would be my chance to have him as mine.

Because we had known each other for so long, I had a lot of hope for us to work out. I would always compliment him and flirt even more with him. And to me, it seemed like at one point he did really like me too. Of course we enjoyed talking to each other, but we had our outside lives too. Then one day he told me about a girl. He didn’t mention a name but wanted me to know how beautiful she was, how kind she was, and all that blah blah blah. Deep inside I remember hoping and wishing it was me. But it wasn’t. Within a week later he told me her name and how he knew her and everything. My heart broke, it shattered. I for once thought it was the end of the world. Seriously, someone who I had secretly longed for my whole life has finally chosen their own and it wasn’t me. It was devastating.

As time went by he would always ask me advice on how to get her. I, broken hearted, yet too tough of a girl to admit I liked him, helped him. I gave him advice and all that good stuff. ahah I remember once I was so upset I cracked on him and said, “gosh! you men are so blind!” And He knew exactly what I was talking about. I know that he knows I liked him, that I’ve liked him for a long time. But he didn’t feel that way. So I had to let him go at that point. After that, I never longed for him again. I still do think he is handsome, but those butterfly feelings aren’t there anymore. No heartache anymore. No grudge of him not choosing me. There is a calm environment between us now. But I don’t hate him for his decision, he was always a great friend to me, I couldn’t lose that. It feels good to had been able to let him go though and knowing that we are both happy were we are at. He was the only guy I had ever wanted so badly, and didn’t get. <3

I came across this music video and kind of listened to the lyrics for awhile, only realizing these lyrics make me think about all the foolish moments I’ve ever had with another one, which ever one it was. I can only say they are all a lesson learned, an excuse for a mistake that I walked myself onto. Where do I start? What kind of men do I know are out there and what kind of men do I know I can deal with??

Checking off all the silly men I’ve come across:

There are those who hold the sweet personality, willing to buy you great gifts, celebrate your “monthly” anniversaries, call you sweet nicknames, and stay up with you all night long on the phone. Of course there are those that are very handsome, you know it, and he sure definitely knows it himself. Yet you won’t find that out until the end. The end is when you find him with another woman. He thinks he can get everyone he wants…Those are the disappointing beautiful people. There are men who may love you a lot. But could he possibly love you more than you love him? Is the word love even appropriate in describing your feelings to him?? Now this one can become a problem. you push him away yet all he wants to do is show you his all. He is willing to give everything of him to you, but you hold in your breath and tell him, “but I don’t want you.” And that’s the end of that. In some way there are those even though you’ve been through the ups and downs, and parted your own ways…At one point you have the desire to find your way back into their arms. But we all know good things don’t last forever. The other men are those who love to lie, lie, lie, and then be truthful when it’s too late. They do enjoy your company, and you also enjoy their company. Almost as if these moments only lived because both had wanted some kind of attention. But when you need them the most and it may mean the whole world for them just to say one thing, or just to show up…they’re not there. There are those who fall too quickly, in desperation I believe. Then there are those are are just in it because everyone is dating. There are the men who put you down and call you stupid in ever little mistake you do. It’s like they just thrown you a big pile and dirt and left you there to clean yourself up. Some men are abusive. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. They twist up your mind and make you believe you’re nothing better without them. They scream in your face and hold you down to scare you when they’re mad. Other men go crazy for you. They won’t stop calling even after being rejected so many times. They sit outside your window and cry for you. They threaten things to happen to you if you push them away again. Some have their ways to lure you in. Buy you gifts to get your attention. Send you songs or lyrics to show you their emotions.

Why, I’ve seen it all someone could say. Some of these things women do want. A man who will give them all they want and all the attention needed. Why, was I too picky? Am I just never satisfied? Did I just always want the wrong men? How did I meet such crazy people, or did I purposely do this to them? Did I set myself up for all this trouble? Well…these are questions never will I be able to answer. Nor should I care to answer them. Knowing all that men could hold inside, is scary enough. I am aware now. ha.