Relationships

mars10:

Where are my friends that’ll go eat out with me??! That’s right, they’re all busy living their lives…. Crap

@simplyras — omg! lets!! Maybe next week :) i’ll text you.

mars10:

Hate how scared I still am of everything. Now I’m super exhausted and I’ve got my first meeting today! Just wonderful. On another note, dreamt I ran away with one of the guys from Wong Fu productions… Lol random. But second dream of me running away with “celebrities”.

@simplyras I don’t know his name… just the one guy thats usually the main character? ahaha it was so random. =/ but i was happpy ahaha

It’s crazy and I know its been over a year since I cared. But sometimes when you run into my mind, I still feel mad and embarrassed that you played me so badly. Sometimes I wanna go back in time and make you feel the pain that I felt…

dailydigressions:

I want someone who’d hold me close
and kiss all of my fears away.
I want someone who wants to be with me
without the need for asking him to stay.

I wish someone would tell me I’m pretty
and never get tired of saying that.
Maybe what I need is someone to fill
all the feelings that my heart lacks.

I say I’m not ready to fall in love again
but what if I am just testing you?
I do not need a love that’s perfect
I just have to know if it’s real and true. 

© Nika Peji

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It’s been a while, but I’ve found some free time so here it is. The 5th love. Well I don’t know how it began, but I’ll tell the truth. This can get pretty explicit. ha—I’ve seen him a couple of times throughout my high school years, I knew his younger sister who hated me for “stealing” the man of her dreams. Whatever. lol, but yes…I remember telling myself that I should be nice to her because who knows, her brother is HOTT! (WAS). lol Few years later, one of my coworkers and I ran into each other a bowling alley/game place. My coworker was with a friend…it turned out to be him. I knew he knew who I was…somehow he added me on facebook. Not I! lol So anyways, that’s when it started. We continued to talk and I even went with him and his family to an amusement park..weird. Many months passed and I began to like him so much. He was my senior homecoming date and my study buddy. He was in college. This was my senior year…blah. I thought he was so smart and wise and soo handsome. Eventually I confessed my like to him and he told me, “I don’t think I can do this right now” Man, was that a blow to my face. I stayed up on the phone till 3am every night just to talk to him and here he is…telling me he isn’t interested. Whatever, I figured, we are better off as friends anyways right?? I mean, he always helped me with homework and was always trying to show me the rights and wrongs. I had to be thankful too right??

After I got rejected, we stopped talking for a few nights, because I told him to stop talking to me. Suddenly he calls me and tells me how much he misses me nad realized what he was about to lose. It felt like heaven for a bit, knowing someone realized what you can give them…but I was only asking for trouble when I accepted his apology. I began to go up to his dorm 2 hours away with him. Right away we slept together. aha great, now I felt like I was obligated to listen to him. Then soon I started noticing other women texting and calling him. I started to see that he was hiding a lot of things from me. I couldn’t see any of his online accounts, I wasn’t even allowed to play with his phone. The fact that he would always call me really late. I began to ask questions. So he admitted that he would smoke weed every night. GREAT! I have a smoking problem and he has a weed issue, stupid kept my hopes high. I dug through his phone and friends and found out he would talk to other girls before it hit 10pm and then spend the rest of the night talking to me…It broke my heart into a million pieces.

Stupidly I had too big of a heart. I didn’t listen to my conscience and I screwed myself over when I forgave him. We argued a lot about these problems. He always felt that I was just asking for trouble, truth is he brought it upon himself. Then soon whenever he got mad, he would ignore me for 3 days or even more. It was the most frustrating time of my life. I was getting so depressed from the way he was treating me. Then one day everything started to explode. Left to right he was lying in my face. I knew he was with other people. My heart sank a little. Then finally I was about to lose it. I noticed he labeled my name different in his phone. He said it was to keep his privacy from his family. What boyfriend does that? I felt so betrayed.

Once again I continue to forgive him. Our good times were whenever we slept together. I think that was the only time I was the most happiest when with him. Sad to say that was the only thing we had going good for the both of us. Too many lies in our relationship and we continued to hurt each other. I guess we weren’t ready, eventually he broke loose and told me it’s over for sure now. I remember texting back and telling him I knew everything that was going on, and why didn’t he appreciate all the things I did for him…I cried for one day. Then the rest were “Time to get rid of his shit” days. I got over it quick, or so I had to teach myself. I had to admit it that this was probably a fake relationship filled with lies and anger. Sometimes I wonder if he, at one point really even cared about me, or was this all just a game. The best part about this break up though, was the feeling of having a load taken off your back…who knew he would have caused so much stress on me…

I’ve been played a fool once, and now I’m being played again. I am the fool in this relationship. He got me good. But the best part is learning. My next love, I will never treat him like this…And if he treats me like this, I’ll run like the wind. <3

This relationship was the first “real” relationship I’ve ever had. Or so I believed it to be. I remember how it all began. A run around the lake and that’s when I knew at age 15, that I wanted to be with him and that he was all I wanted. Of course in the beginning everything is always like paradise. You both want to understand each other and you both want to always see each other. Sadly these moments only last within the first few months or so. The first red flag warning that I will never forget was the day he came over mad. We’ve been dating for about 2-3 months and he was upset that I had left home early from ice skating. Let me remind you, I was only 15. He had wanted me to stay longer and I remember telling him that my parents would have been mad about it. He just started yelling at me, telling me I don’t listen and that I am not trying to understand him. My mom overheard us and she walked into the room and asked him why he was yelling at me and that he should go home. He stupidly told my mother the issue. My mom just stared at him and was like “Shes only 15, she had better come home early that night” Then he started arguing with her also. Oh my, was I in trouble after he left.

Now I guess I just was really excited to be in a longer relationship that I had ignored the many flaws he had that kept coming one right after another. My sisters continuously warned me that he wasn’t good. He was strange and he was rude. As the months passed, more trouble came my way and I have to admit, I was quite stressed just being with him. I was getting sick of him. Losing my temper every time he said something. Whenever we got into a verbal fight, he would hold me down and scream into my face. Of course I was afraid of him. He was 3-4 times bigger than me! It was terrifying. I was turning 16, and my needs for change were screaming into my head “Run!!”. The longer I held on to the relationship, the more abusive it became to me. I lost over 1k of money to him. I even tried to help him get his life started, he refused. He made me lie to my family and friends. Blamed me for the wrongs that happened between us. By the end of June, I broke it off only to find him following me everyday after. It was the craaziest thing. Of course I felt bad, a part of me still cared about him, but I knew I didn’t deserve all those times he treated me like dirt. Many times I’ve threatened to call the police on him, many times I’ve been scared to even leave the house.

Eventually he gave up. It didn’t end there though. It was within a good 3-4 months later he contacted me again. At that time I was feeling very alone, what a coincidence he even contacted me. Honestly, I think he was cyber stalking me. Anyways, we began to just talk like normal and he told me how much he’s changed and sadly those feelings from the beginning came back. I thought that we could really work it out. I can’t believe I gave him a second chance. Only this time it would have hurt more and I would only come to realize how big of a fool I really am. It was another long year running around with him. Hiding it from my family, only because they would have rejected us. I kept thinking that I did him wrong in the beginning and I would never be able to find anyone else, so I might as well just try to be with him again. Boy was I wrong. We both had too many issues. He was talking to other girls including me, and I had personal issues that affected me emotionally and made me weak. Eventually I became the same as usual, sick of him again. I began to dig up dirt about him and another girl. That was when I called it quits. He didn’t. He continually called me, texted me. It was becoming a circle that we kept running around in. So, I decided I’d better save myself. I deleted him off of any cyber space pages I had and blocked him. I changed my cell phone number and never again did we speak.

It has been well over 3 years now, I must say I saved myself. For once I did something good for myself. I still can’t believe at one point I gave him a second chance. It only showed me who he really was and what I really meant to him. Today, I don’t think about this relationship much, only to laugh at my foolishness. I don’t care much when I see him anymore, because I know I made the best choice of leaving it in the dirt to decay. This was one relationship I feel I learned the most from and had helped me understand how dangerous this idea of “love” can really be.

Here is how this one started. I guess I did it for the fun, for the learning. He was older than me in many ways. I was too young and vulnerable at the time. Too invincible for myself even I couldn’t control myself. Crazy, out of my mind. I took the chances and played his heart. I remember he was the first actual person I even took step two towards. Thats when I realized it was all for the fun for me. So young yet already deceiving.

I can’t recall what I did, but it drove him almost crAZY. There was a few things holding me back. It was the whole family last name thing. I knew it would never happen and that I would never cross the line, even though able too, I knew I’d never be accepted. Weird huh? I didn’t tell him that though. I just simply replied back “I’m not ready to be in a relationship.” I remember making up excuses. You should never really tell anyone the truth about how you feel, it’ll only cause trouble. Anyways, eventually he gave up. So I thought…one day he showed up at the stairs of my front door with a present. I hate it when guys you don’t want to talk to pull that move. =/ It’s the guilt move. The “I still care, why don’t you?” move. Crazy, but he bought me some expensive shoes. Left the recite in it just in case he bought me the wrong size. So I did go and exchange it. A present is a present right? ahah, I wore those shoes for a good 3 years. It was such a weird experience with him. I never knew I could do that to anyone. Once that happened…things changed. 

Overall, I can’t recall much time with him. It was just all a learning lesson. Nothing regretted though of course. I think, without knowing all that I knew from that time, I’d be in bigger trouble. What happened between us, still questions me. Amazing how it happened and amazing how quickly it disappeared within a wink of an eye. Just another memory, another page in my diary. No pain…

Its funny when you reach your first few teenage years and you feel like an adult. Thinking you know exactly what it is that you want and that you’re ready for a challenge. This guy, I remember him only whenever I’m reminded of him. ahah It was one of the most awkward confusing relationships ever. I was in the middle of my teen years and I remember meeting him that summer.

Gangster. Was what he thought of himself. Cute innocent boy, I thought. It was weird though. We “hooked” up through a known friend of mines and we started from there. It was within one week I had gotten in trouble with my parents about dating. My mom threw a fit and I didn’t want to deal with my mom yelling at me so I decided to just break it off with him. Plus I didn’t have much feelings for him. I think it was the whole idea of having a boy friend would be fun haah. So I broke up with him.

He cried. He said he loved me. I was young, but not SO stupid…I didn’t respond back. Only rolling my eyes and thinking, “This boy is on CRACk” but I felt bad too. Then he said the weirdest thing to me. He told me, “I know we’ll never be together in the end. I just want to be with you in the time being, and when it’s time for us to depart I hope we understand each other and be able to let go.” Wow ahah It was one of the most “KOREAN” drama things I’ve ever heard. I remember telling him, “In that case, it’s good if we’re not together…” I don’t know it was such an awkward conversation to have at that age. Anyways for some reason we came to a conclusion and continued to date. There was definitely no chemistry between us. none. We talked on the phone and hung out once in a while. I guess the chemistry was that we were both serving community service for being bad kids in high school. ahah Horrible…but true.

It was such a weird relationship though. It was J4 at Como that summer and I had met his “friends” or so I thought they were. He left me there for a few minutes to go talk to his uncle. Suddenly his friends just starting hittin’ on me. Like telling me how good looking I was. Man it was so awkward, so I left after the boyfriend. I felt bad though, they weren’t his real friends. Just a bunch of punkwannabe gangsters. Then that day got even more awkward… I had ran into a friend from school who was a boy, ahah so I hugged him and said hello. Then to my luck, I heard the boyfriend’s friends sayin, “Ohh shit dude, that guy just touched your girl. Beat him up!” Man I turned to my buddy and said, “GO, go!!” lol So weird. No one got beaten up, but still it was awkward. They were some ghetto ass boys. So young and too immature.

As time went by I believe it was probably just weeks, him and I were on and off. It would be through days though. It was a puppy love. But I can’t really even recall my feelings for him. Anyways I remembered the first time he tried to “make out” with me. I was such an innocent girl. But that was the worst thing I’ve ever tried. I had never “made out” with anyone before. Gross. But he tried and I tried. It felt disgusting. It was like a nasty slobbering worm in my mouth. So I pushed him away. ahaha Gosh, Don’t ever want to experience that again. It gave me the fear to “make out” ahah When I think back, makes me want to puke a little. BLAH! ahah

A few weeks after that, I remember it clearly. Our time was coming to an end. He Msn Messaged me..lol those are sooo old, anyways he messaged me saying that he doesn’t know where we are going anymore. “You’re taking me for granted” is what he said. It was the weirdest thing anyone has ever accused me of! lol I wasn’t taking him for granted, that’s just cold hearted. I guess we were too young to understand how to hold up a relationship. So he broke it off with me. And it was final. To be honest, I wasn’t upset or mad or any heartbroken feeling. I got over it within a few days and out of all the relationships I’ve ever been in, I always forget this one. Ahaah Amazing though, we were too young. <3